


and i will love with urgency but not with haste

by kittymannequin



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Behind the Scenes, Canon Universe, Established Relationship, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Softness, lots of comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 15:34:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29653467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittymannequin/pseuds/kittymannequin
Summary: In the dead of the night, after their date, Beau found herself staring up at her reflection in the mirror and memories came flooding back.And so did fears.
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha
Comments: 4
Kudos: 123





	and i will love with urgency but not with haste

The room was quiet and mostly dark, save for the small, warm candlelight casting a soft yellow glow over the room, flickering every once in a while, but steadying itself soon after. It was close to flickering off, the wax all but gone, the flame less than an inch from the small metal plate it was set on, but still - it persevered.

Beau lay on her back, one arm curled and set behind her head, the other spread wide to the side and across a pillow, the comfortable weight of Yasha’s head pressed against her bicep, the soft puffs of her warm, shallow breaths tickling at Beau’s skin. There was a strong and heavy arm thrown haphazardly over Beau’s waist, one leg languid and twitching every so often thrown over her own left one, Yasha’s form cuddled to her side. 

It was far from unbidden and somewhere, in the far reaches of Beau’s mind, it was certainly a possibility, a hope. A yearning, for so long. And now that it had finally happened, it was a sort of contented state she could not wrap her head around, not yet. Not unbidden, albeit a little unforeseen, despite all the clues that might have pointed towards it.

She hadn’t expected the night to go this way, even if it had crossed her mind in a dream or two before, but in all honesty - she hadn’t really gone into it with any expectations to begin with. She’d hoped for a good time, for a talk, maybe an acknowledgement of her feeling, she’d hoped for reciprocation but - all on Yasha’s terms and nothing against her timeline. 

Beau knew better, or thought she did, than to give herself any false hope. And yet, despite her resignation, she gained more than she could have hoped for. With a soft sigh she closed her eyes, letting the memories rush back in, and she replayed the evening in her head.

Yasha’s tender, soft smile dominated the memories, impossible to forget and not something Beau would ever let herself forget willingly. It was a gentle reminder that things do get better, and seeing it unfold and grow before her very eyes was a sight to behold. From the shy, nervous little uplift of her lips when they were all but shoved in the tower and Caleb’s little Nestled Nook concoction first appeared, Beau knew she’d memorize each and every line on Yasha’s face from that evening, as if she couldn’t already draw her from memory alone. The way Yasha’s eyes all but sparkled in joy and delight when the room changed to a field of wildflowers made Beau wonder if she was the only one to ever see this side of Yasha, this tender, soft-spoken, gentle side that made her chest feel tight and her ribcage too small for all the feeling she had tried so hard to hide there. 

The memory of Yasha’s words was the next thing to come back to her and Beau blinked her eyes open, wide and bewildered, at the intensity with which her heart suddenly fluttered through a few hurried, strong beats, as if it was trying so desperately to push out of the confines of her chest. She stared at herself, frazzled reflection staring back at her, chest rising and falling with deep, startled breaths, and she still found it so hard to wrap her head around those words, even if they were better at warming her up than a thick, warm blanket on a cold night.

“ _ I fell in love with you in Kamordah.”  _

She’d almost toppled over when Yasha let those words slip. It was a shock, like running down a path and suddenly someone jumped at her and there was nowhere to swerve and she was already running at full speed and all she could do was crash. And crash she did.

It was the best kind of crashing, Beau came to realize, thinking back to that momentary panic and the way her heart was thundering in her ears, hammering through her chest. She’d crashed so many times in her life, in so many different ways but this, this she could endure. No, that was a lie. This was the kind of crashing she was ready to willingly throw herself into, even if there was nothing there to catch her. But Yasha was there, and now Beau knew she’d catch her, and she could crash and tumble and fall right into her arms and it would be safe. 

As safe as it could be.

There was still so much to unpack, Beau knew that. So many things left unspoken, all those stolen, hidden and not so hidden glances that she’d wanted to ask about, tender moments that felt almost like a soft woolen blanket being softly knit around her heart. There was the imminent danger they merely brushed upon, the quiet mention of Lucien and the cult, the words heavy on their lips, staining their mood too much to be spoken more than once, or twice, in a short, hurried passing.

The mirror above her reflected her worries back at her with crystal clarity, thanks to the warm candlelight flickering about the room. She could see the wrinkles form around her eyes as she tried to push her fears away, could see the way her lips would redden more whenever she bit into them hard and wrung her teeth over them. Still, the eye on the back of her hand felt as if it was burning through her skin, and nothing seemed to be working in her attempts to not think about it, even if she couldn’t see it reflected in the image above her bed, and the night had been more magical than any she’d ever experienced.

As if she could sense Beau’s turmoil even in her sleep, Yasha stirred beside her, the weight of her arm around Beau’s waist tightening slightly as sleep-hazed eyes opened and blinked once, twice before focusing on Beau’s face. A soft, tired smile spread across her lips and made her eyes shine just that one bit lighter when she finally met Beau’s eyes and shuffled closer ever so slightly. They lay in comfortable silence, simply basking in each other’s presence, staring at one another and breathing in the calm and safety of their little cocoon they’d wrapped themselves in, and it was lovely and good and necessary.

Until a stray little tear rolled down Beau’s cheek, one that had caught her completely off guard, one she didn’t even know she’d been trying so desperately to suppress. Her eyes watered and she sucked in some air, shuddering as she brought her arm from behind her head and stretched it up towards the ceiling, towards her own expression, turning her hand until the eye at the back of it was the thing to stare back rather than her own face. Try as she may, she still couldn’t keep those thoughts away, still couldn’t relax long enough not to ruin this evening, and she whimpered, clenched her other hand and tried to wriggle it free but Yasha was unmoving beside her, her head still pressed to Beau’s bicep, arm still slung around her waist, leg still resting atop her own. 

Tears threatened to spill down her face, she wasn’t scared, no, Beau didn’t get scared just like that but now she had this family, these people she cared so deeply for and now there was Yasha there too and Beau.. Beau  _ was _ scared. Scared of that damned eye, scared of the people, the ancient magic behind it, scared of what it mean for her and this little family that she’d worked so hard to keep, despite everything in her gut telling her that she had to let them go because if there’s nothing to lose, there’s nothing to mourn.

But there was everything to lose now, and everything to mourn.

She kept trying to blink away the tears, to keep them at bay, and she’d almost managed. Almost, until a pale hand rose up to meet her own, soft and gentle and careful not to startle her any further, until those familiar fingers filled the spaces between her own, a thumb carefully, gently caressing the back of her hand. Beau didn’t even notice when the weight of Yasha’s arm had left her waist, only missing the comfort of it when her brain connected the hand around her own with the lack of an arm around her middle. But then those fingers slipped away and for the briefest of moments Beau thought this was all a dream, before she felt them circle around her own hand and settle at the back of it, comforting and tender, Yasha’s thumb pressing softly into her palm.

Yasha shifted then, lifting up a little and slipping away from Beau’s side just enough to reposition herself, if only to move the weight off Beau’s arm and rest against her own arm, head pressed to the palm of her free hand.

Beau felt a tug on her hand, a pull to bring her arm down and so she did, curling in on herself and shifting so she was on her side too, teary eyes now staring up at Yasha’s warm, soothing ones. The different colours made her stomach do a little flip, they always did, but this time it was a comfortable little flip, something familiar she could hold onto, something she knew how to come back to. It was then that Yasha brought their joined hands between their bodies and pressed them to her own chest, tugging until Beau shuffled closer, until her head was tucked beneath Yasha’s chin and she could feel her warmth radiate and press into her and warm her up to her very core.

Eventually, Beau could finally feel sleep all but scratching at the back of her eyelids and her mind had wandered into a blissful silence, the unpleasant feeling on the back of her hand now replaced with the warmth of Yasha’s palm. She could feel the steady beating of Yasha’s heart against her own palm, strong and comforting against her hand, and it lulled her into relaxing more, until she nuzzled a soft spot on Yasha’s neck and pressed a little kiss there, content and soothed, at least for now.

There were no more sounds coming in from the outside, the streets were quiet in the dead of the night, and from the very edges of her vision, Beau saw the light of the candle finally go off. Yasha let go of her hand then, but only to slip her arm around Beau’s form and bring her ever closer, hand rubbing gentle circles across her back and her warm breaths puffing softly into Beau’s hair.

Beau knew her worries would be back again, they were never gone too long these days but maybe for now, she could sleep the night off in Yasha’s arms, comfortable and safe, knowing that she’s not alone, not when Yasha was there and her little family would be too. 

And maybe, for now, that would be enough.

**Author's Note:**

> I had an awful lot of feelings after the last episode, and I have to just say - Ashley Johnson and Marisha Ray killed me with those lines. One more emotional and gutting than the other and it was hard to focus on just one but I kind of wanted to write out this little idea I had and, well, here we are. It was meant to be soft and tender only but I have a way of letting angst take me places and sometimes comfort takes a little while longer but hurt never perseveres for too long. 
> 
> check out my tumblr/twitter for more sapphic content @kittymannequin


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